I’m writing this on my phone so please excuse any errors. We had a huge problem with a local internet company that led to data plans on our phones only, for now.

I was rereading my previous posts because I haven’t been here for a year, and they sound so knowledgeable. So self-aware, when the truth is, I usually feel anything but.

I began Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) last summer, and it’s amazing how much I have changed. It may be mostly inwardly, but that’s where change starts, am I right? It incorporates mindfulness with “interpersonal effectiveness” skills, “emotion regulation,” and what they call “distress tolerance.” You would think it’s the same thing as emotion regulation, but one is immediate emotions and the other is long-term.

It begins with mindfulness, which you might think, (as I did), that it’s meditation, something I could never do because I can’t concentrate for more than two seconds. Surprise! Even people with ADHD can practice mindfulness! It’s more about staying grounded in the moment than about sitting with your legs crossed and saying a mantra. It’s allowing myself to feel, to really experience, the emotions and thoughts I’m having, rather than fight them off with sleep, eating, or distraction. I learned that when we allow ourselves to fully accept our thoughts and feelings, we take away their power to control us. And oddly enough, they pass. We feel them, it’s awful, but they go away, and we can go on with our day. They no longer lead to a day in bed, staring at the wall, crying. We discover that fighting them only makes them worse. There’s more but I’ll save it for another post.

Today I’m working on a daily schedule. If you’re anything like me, you’ve done this a hundred times, positive that “this time” you’ll follow through. Well, my psychiatrist just assigned me to research something called “social rhythm therapy,” (because he knows I love researching) and my first assignment is to make a plan I can stick to. I’ll discuss that more as I go.

Last weekend I got to spend some quality time with my granddaughter Belle after not seeing her for a few weeks, and the first thing I noticed was how much she had grown. Her legs are longer, and her upper body has also expanded, yet she doesn’t feel any bigger. She still believes she is just waiting to grow up, not realizing she’s on her way every minute of every day.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is when my pastor tells me he sees spiritual growth in me. All I see is how immature I am; how many changes I still need to make to get to where I want to be as a Christian “adult.”

Belle will eventually become the first grader, the teenager, and the grown up she wants to be, but as it is happening, she can’t see it. It is only as an adult that she will be able to look back and see her growth over time. But waiting is hard.

For me, I have to wait until I stand before God to see my spiritual growth, to understand how each moment of my life affected my growth. It’s hard to wait, and it’s frustrating, but in the end it will all be worth it.

BP lesson: Anger. One trait of both (hypo)mania and depression is irritability that can morph into unnecessary anger, directed at someone (or ones) we feel has wronged us. In my case, I go on the attack when I feel someone is “being mean” to me or another I see as defenseless. It may stem back to my childhood, when I was powerless to fight back against bullies. I’m more likely to think the worst of someone than I am to give them the benefit of the doubt.

The problem is, whenever I let emotions take over, I stop thinking clearly. I’m unable to differentiate between perception and truth. I blow things completely out of proportion. And the results are never what I want or expect them to be. In trying to protect myself, I make the situation far worse.

Never mind that I could be completely misunderstanding the entire situation. Never mind that thinking the worst of another’s motives puts my own on shaky ground. I have learned-or think so-from much painful experience, that when I start feeling self righteous, when I start feeling my emotions take over, it’s time to step back from the situation. I’ve written many posts and messages on social media when I was angry, and saved them to my notes app to look at when I’ve calmed down. Nine times out of ten, I’m glad I did. I should not have sent them.

Unfortunately, sometimes I forget. Even when God is right there with me, speaking to me, reminding me of how these actions have turned out in the past, I insist on speaking my mind. I insist on putting the other person in their place. When I do this, when I ignore the Holy Spirit’s advice, I hurt someone. I have lost friendships. Some family members keep me at arms length. All because I could not control my emotions.

The really sad part is that now, because of medication and counseling, I can recognize, (but only after I’ve blown up and done irreparable harm to a relationship,) that I was very, very wrong. But it’s too late by then, and I have to live the rest of my life knowing I caused pain to another. Knowing that my actions cost me a relationship with someone I care about. That’s one of the hardest parts of BP, is living with what I’ve done.

I believe this is what happens when students take guns to school. Bad enough to be a teenager, with low self esteem, fluctuating emotions and immaturity, but throw in bipolar anger and you have an extremely volatile bomb waiting to go off. When people blame it on bipolar, this is what they’re talking about. Type 1 is more likely to do this kind of thing, because their emotions are more intense and actions more risky, but as you can see, Type 2s are just as likely to hurt another. The only difference is using words instead of a gun. Instead of ending a life, I end a relationship. Sometimes irrevocably. Sometimes I wonder which is worse.